Just run.

Painting by: Helmy El Tony

Never fall in love.
Run. Run for your life.

If it didn't kill you, it will scar you forever. Forever.

love that beebs!

I know this is not blue.. but it was exactly like this one!

Can you fall in love with a truck?

Blue Mercedes Benz big truck that happened to take the same route with me on ring road today. When I took the exit to Suez road I kept checking my mirror to have the last look over her (it?!) before we part forever. For my great surprise a minute after I took the exit I was checking my mirror, still thinking about the lovely navy blue, to find it right behind me! I smiled and felt the love growing in my heart..

Oh lovely blue truck! I didn't even see the driver.. It's the truck that interests me. The road started to jam just before the entrance to the compound in which I live; I took the right side and pressed the right flasher announcing I am going right, hoping with all my heart that the miracle happens and the beautiful blue truck follows this time as well! Heavy moments of anticipation passed by.. but Alas! We don't get everything we wish for.. The blue truck went on its way, hitting Suez road with its huge wheels, yet didn't forget to bid me goodbye with a nice horn beeeeeb! The truck beebed! Beebed at me :)

Yeah.. right.

Crucified Woman
Almuth Lutkenhaus, 1976

This morning I knew.

Two out of three hopes were gone. I am not going to wait for the last one. Waiting is not healthy. Not healthy at all.

It is just that you suddenly stop and think about your life. Your wasted chances and opportunities. You can't do but standing still in front of reasons you can't really control. "Out of My hands" .. yeah , right! Little did I believe in that quote. Being the existentialist I am always prevented me from even considering blaming anyone or anything but me! only me! ahhh.. I think this is not healthy either.

It is one of those morning where you set back, and have an overall look at your life. What is being made there for me? ummmm ... I don't like the grammar of the last question. It's passive, which implies that I don't have control over it, over my life. What is waiting for me? maybe... what am I going to do with my life?.. yeah.. that's better.

Yeah. Fake it. Fake you are in control. It's all about control.. baby.

I turn to you..

I Turn To You , Melanie C

When the world is darker than I can understand
When nothing turns out the way I planned
When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight
When I can't sleep through the lonely night

I turn to you
like a flower leaning towards the sun
I turn to you
'cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around, when i' m up side down
I turn to you

When my insides are wracked with anxiety
you have the touch that will quiet me
you lift my spirit, you melt the ice
when I need inspiration, when I need advice

I turn to you
like a flower leaning towards the sun
I turn to you
'cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around, when I'm up side down
I turn to you

where would I be? what would I do?
if you'd never helped me through
I hope someday, if you've lost your way
you could turn to me, like I turn to you

I turn to you like a flower leaning towards the sun
I turn to you
'cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around, when I'm up side down
I turn to you

When fear tells me to turn around
I turn to you, 'cos your the only one
Who can turn me around, when I'm up side down
I turn to you, I turn to you, I turn to you

عزازيل ..

قرأت رواية عزازيل مؤخرا ، و كنت قي الحقيقة كسولة جدا في قراءتها ، حيث بدأت فيها منذ ما يزيد عن 4 أشهر ، و قرأتها كعادتي في قراءة أغلب الروايات بعشوائية شديدة ، قرأت الفصل الأول ، ثم قفزت للفصل التاسع و أنهيت الرواية، و بعدما أنهيتها عدت لأقرأها من البداية و أكمل ما لم أقرأه.. و قرأت أجزاء من باقي الفصول للمرة الثانية حتي أنهيتها أحب هذه الطريقة في القراءة .. لحظة الكشف تصبح أكثر من لحظة .. تتضاعف المفاجآت و تصل لذة القراءة لذروتها.. لا أدري ربما ما سبق تبرير لقلة صبري.

.لم تكن الرواية من الروايات التي تجذبني من أول وهلة ، في الحقيقة فإني بدأت أعجب بها مع نهاية قراءتي الأولي لها ، أي كان هناك حوالي ثمان فصول لم أقرأها بعد,... و عندما قرأتها كلها اكتمل إعجابي بها ..أعجبني أكثر ما أعجبني حوارات الراهب مع نفسه ، و نعليقاته الفلسفية و التي كان يلقيها بطريقة عابرة.. و كأنها ليست بذات أهمية .. و لكنه أكثر من السرد الدقيق للحقائق التاريخية و أسماء الرهبان و الكنائس الكثيرة و التي نفرتني في البداية منها..

هذه بعض المقتطفات من الرواية و التي حَظِيَتْ - المقتطفات- بشرف تظليلي لها بالماركر

لاحظوا أن هذه المقتطفات قد لا يكون لها ذلك الأثر و هي منفصلة عن سياق الرواية ..

- لماذا انطفأ كل شيء؟ نور الإيمان الذي كان يضيء باطني، شموع السكينة التي طالما آنست وحدتي.. الإطمئنان إلي جدران هذه الصومعة الحانية .. حتي شمس النهار ، صرت أراها اليوم مطفأة، و وموحشة

- ثالوث أفلوطين فلسفي، هو عنده الواحد و العقل الأول و النفس الكلية

- لم يكن البوح يوما من صفاتي، ولا الإطمئنان لأحد

- ما كانوا يدركون أن الآلهة التي يعبدون ماتت منذ زمن بعيد - كيف سأموت أنا، و أين؟

- سيأتي اليوم الذي لن نسمح فيه للوثنيين ولا لليهود بالمبيت. لا في الإسكندرية ولا في المدن الكبيرة كلها.. غدا سوف يسكنون جميعا خلف الأسوار، و تكون المدن كلها لشعب الرب

- إن الله يظهر للإنسان في كل موضع و كل زمان بشكل مختلف و أن تلك هي طبيعة الألوهية

- إن المرأة و العبد من طبيعة واحدة تختلف عن طبيعة الرجل الحر. متخلّف

-كانت تحيط بوجودي من كل الجهات، مثلما يحيط البحر الأعظم بالعالم أجمع

-هي مغامرة خطيرة أن نأمن، مثلما هي مغامرة كبري أن نؤمن

-حيث كان الله و الملائكة و الشيطان يشاهدون ما يجري ولا يفعلان شيئ

ا- و كان الرب غائبا عني أو كان يستريح من خلق جديد صنعه في ستة أيام أخري

-شعرت أن كل ما جري معي و كل ما با أمامي في أيامي و سنواتي الماضية لا يخصني.. أنا آخر غير هذا الذي كان ثم بان.-و أدركت لأول مرة أن الناس شجر، و أن الشجر مثل الناس، غير أن عمر الإنسان قصير

- الرهبنة ذاتها موقف دائم من الحياة، فكيف أزعم أنني ودعتها !

- تري هل يحلم الرب ؟ من يدري، فقد يكون هذا الكون بكل ما فيه حلم واحد من أحلامه

-مبارك أت أيها الإنسان بنعمة السماء

- و غمرتني تلك البهجة التي تأتيني أحيانا من خارج الكون

-و لم أر أي شيء من داخله، أنا أطوف دوما بظاهر الأشياء ولا أغوص فيها. بل أراني أخشي الغوص في باطني لكي أعرف حقيقة ذاتي الملتبسة

- هل خلق الله الإنسان أم العكس؟

- الإنسان في كل عصر يخلق إلها له علي هواه، فإلهه دوما رؤاه و أحلامه المستحيلة و مناه

.و إن كان لدي تعليق أخير علي هذه الرواية .. هو كيف لم تسلم من فناوي شيوخنا المجاهدين ؟ كيف لم تقام علي الكاتب دعاوي الحسبة و اتهامات الهرطقة؟ م انهم لم يكتشفوا الرواية بعد؟أم انهم اكتشفوها و قرأوها لكن غفر للكاتب أن الرواية اسمها عزازيل ، أي الشيطان ، و أن أغلب الحوارات الفلسفية علي لسان الراهب هيبا كانت بإيعاز من هذا الشيطان؟ و في ذلك اعتراف ضمني من الكاتب بأن هذه الحوارات هي خروج عن السبيل القويم .. و بذلك يأمن شر الإتهامات و القيل و القال ؟أيا كان التفسير ، فأنا سعيدة بأن الرواية لا زالت متاحة في الأسواق !

Glimpses and Bombs !

It is funny !

Listening to this song now after a long time seems funny !

I remembered how I used to jump in the air, full of excitement and euphoria, thinking of that new breeze of so-called love stepping in my life - or that's how I perceived it to be then !

Now it is a totally different feeling .. a shy smile with an intention of self-punishment sometime later, but still like the song and the music , still jumping in the air to the rhythm ! LOL !

I got used to it . Songs for me means memories. Every song carries it own glimpse of the past. the situation when I was listening to it, any lovely or bad memories stick to the song and whenever I paly it again , they are played as well ! sometimes I smell the perfume I used to wear in certain times !

I am thinking how killing that can be ! I have deadly hidden bombs in my lap top !..

Knowing that , Does it mean that when I play certain songs , I have the intention to commit suicide ? :)

told you ! it is funny !

WARNING :this post is not deep enough.. for me.

I feel so empty.

The fact that I actually read "books" or even "news" and discuss them to some friends became kind of evidence that I am so serious, so "not shallow" and "deep", while I really believe that this is the basic daily routine that anyone should do. Why is almost everybody losing connections of what's around , and focusing his attention in a narrow circle of self , friends, and maybe study ?

But wait a minute ! couldn't this be the reason why some people feel "full"all the time ? and I mean by full the opposite of "empty " , this very first sentence in this post.

it must be ! because when you focus on so many things , you eventually forget a lot of details. or maybe get lost in the details. or maybe spend much time looking into the details. and the outcome is nothing compared to the mental effort exerted. the outcome can be "0"most of the time. so being "deep" is not a blessing all the time. Maybe , it is not a blessing at all.

But it is also fair to mention that "Deep" is a funny word I will always remember with two incidents;

The first is that old friend, or colleague let's say. the thing is I never had the chance to know him well. we were colleagues in a students activity , he was my supervisor. I was kind of demotivated or lazy through out the year, but by the end of it and at the final activity event , I got back to normal me, which is basically, a last minute person and a perfectionist. It turned out that he was totally shocked of my performance. In a last evaluation meeting he told me , "Maha , you are deep". That's it. I didn't ask him why, although there was a chance to. I didn't ask him to clarify more. I just smiled , and put one of those facial impressions of people who know it all . It was kind of stupid, because by then there was a terrible questioning going on in my head. Of course now the answer is pretty clear to me but this is not our point now .

The second is , that short movie I watched in a graduation festival for the cinema institute students 2007. I don't remember its title , but I guess it has something to do with depth , like "Fel Omq"or "in Depth".. I remember the actress very well though , she was Yousra El Louzy. she was a young artist who just had her first exhibition/ gallery. the critics actually commented that her paintings lack a sense of depth, and that she is kind of superficial. The movie is funny and raises the question of what "deep" is . it ends up with her drunk apparently ,cutting one of her paintings with her finger , examining how "deep" it is !

this post was a pathetic try to answer an unasked question.